Ok so last post I brought you up to speed on one thing….heres another.

2 months ago, I was a pedestrian and I was struck by an SUV.

I know I have angels, let’s face it – he was doing 20mph, I was thrown about 15 feet and only ended up with 2 fractured ribs. SURROUNDED by angels.

So, that happened 2 months ago, right? Soooooooo WHY did I wake in a cold sweat sit bolt upright in bed and pant hoping my heart would stop pounding cause it felt like it was going to pop right out of my chest LAST NIGHT???

I have had several conversations about what happened with several different people. And we know that humor is one of my defense mechanisms, but I have to tell you….there was nothing funny at 3am. I couldn’t even lighten up enough to fall back asleep without a little sleep aid. Saw him coming (not looking) – felt him thump me, felt my knee scraping the driveway (I have the scar there to prove it), felt my hand scraping too (oddly enough, I can’t joke that one off either – every time I see that dark patch on my hand – whoofah! It BOTHERS me!), turned my head and saw he was still coming – threw my body backwards thinking “Don’t let him hit your head” and wham – as I laid flat on the driveway- POOF! I sat straight up in the bed.

I don’t even think I dreamt about it that vividly immediately following the incident?

So why do it now?

For that, I have no answer…but c’est la vie. Gotta shake it off somehow – going to deliver some xmas presents today.

Talk soon my friend.

Ciao

I can tell you, sadly, June 8, 2009, (bear in mind – my father passed away 8/17/2008 unexpectedly) that I was blessed enough to be present as the gentle spirit of my mother left this earth quietly – and I am sure, with my father at her side.

I was also blessed with being able to spend the maximum amount of time with her – she came to stay with me for a time prior to her passing, and I was fortunate enough to have a life I could temporarily put on hold to be able to spend the last 2 weeks of her life with her – waking moments and otherwise.  (Man, can I tell you how much she LOVED the apple fritters from Dunkin Donuts?  It was CRAZY!)

At any rate, she lost her second battle with lung carcinoma.

Hmmmm…..I sit here looking at what I just typed.  Why can’t I say Cancer?  It is what it is right?  Why do I feel like hers should be elevated in description to be named Carcinoma – as opposed to Cancer?

Because my mother was one of a kind.  And I am grateful and blessed to have what she told me I did.  The best of her and my father.

Now – up to speed on mostly current events.  I have sadly not had the opportunity to practice my food arts, but that may be changing – so keep your fingers and everything else you have crossed for me!

I have busted my butt and in September of this year, I obtained my CPP.

That’s right.  I am a Certified Payroll Professional.

And it feels Goooooood.

But with the holidays rapidly approaching – and one that just passed – I am beginning to think about things differently….

Remember how I said change is not inherent to human nature?

I still believe that……but feel as though the last 16 months of my life have brought about a fundamental change in me…

And even though I pride myself on not changing, I am beginning to think, it was not such a bad change – a transformation if you will…..

Who knows what will happen next?

Embrace the unknown – it is the only way to confront your fears. 

You will never be “good enough” but you can ALWAYS be your best.

TTFN – talk soon……

Pssssst – I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

I have been gone a while – my head has been completely internalized…

Believing that you can accomplish more by not confronting your own concerns is a misnomer.  You are not being realistic or fair to yourself or the situation….

So.

Here is my brief thought I will leave you with for now.

If you feel like crying?  CRY,

If you feel the need to sit down, all the things in your head you “have” to get done, will still be there when you stand up.  So, SIT DOWN.

Ok – nuff said – catch back up with you soon……I promise….

We all have those.  It happens.

But what do you call the moments that halt you, take away your breath and inspire your eyes to well with excess moisture??

I had one of the latter tonight…as I went to dial a number I will never have to “recall” it is a natural to me as my birthday.

Did a number bring this on?  No way.  Although I made a realization the other day that bwere it not for my cell phone memory, I would not know any numbers to call…..but this one – I don’t even have to think about to dial.

Do I dial it.  Not use my contacts – but when you dial in a memory saved number on your cell - it diaplays the name of the contact.

And I realized….when I have saved this number and one other in my cell – I had attributed it to one person only.

Then the eye watering happened but I was able to get ahold of myself relatively quickly.  So none fell.

But was that hte best course of action?

TTFN

Why the question mark you ask?  Because the new year came and went and I missed it.

Christmas??  Ohhhh no my friend.  Christmas hit me squarely between the eyes this year.  And it left an incredible mark.  It’s amazing what you can muddle through on your own when left to your own devices…..

But New Years???   Missed it. Entirely.

I don’t mean figuratively….I mean LITERALLY.  I slept through it.  Sicker than I have been in many many years.  Yesterday was the first day I was awake for more than 2 hours during a 24 hours period in what has become this new year.

SO I pause reflectively and think….what did I miss?
From what I can tell, a hangover is about the extent of it.

The changing of the last digit of the date I sign authorizations to pay out obscene sums of money is about the big change.

Not true you say?  Well, you are entitled to your opinion – but if you need to change the date so dramatically as to a new year digit to be able to convince yourself that THIS TIME is the time your big change will stick?

It’s not going to.

Sorry – in the real on this one kiddo.  The only time any change in your life will stick is if you choose to make it do so.

But like before – choose wisely.  Bear in mind….rarely should you choose definatively with no room for error or revaluation (forgiveness for considered ”breaches” or reassessing your path).

What do I mean by that?  Well, like I told my gf who said she was going to “diet” (gag – hate that word when used like that) – I said “Leave wiggle room for moments of weakness.  If you are so rigid in your entry into this narrow passage built of ice – when the weakness vibrations hit it – and god forbid you give in and vibrate along with them – the walls will shatter and you will be left disenchanted with your chosen path and will wander off it definatively….so instead – build your walls of cotton….when you need the room you will have it – and before you know it – the cotton will sway freely away from you as it is prone to do when it is too big…”

She laughed.  But she said – “Stupid as that sounded – it makes sense.”

She is on day 3.  No vibrations yet.  Because she does nothing wrong if she stretches the cotton – so far – she hasn’t even reached out for it yet

Back to my old self……

I awake today – mostly fever free for the first time in 7 days – and oddly enough – feeling more like my old self. 

I wonder if this will continue?

I am willing to go with whatever will let me find out

Well dear reader – that’s it for me today – and I will try to be more diligent…

Did I tell you I dream about you???

No???

I do.   I dream of entire entries…..and I wake @ 3am almost every night intending on typing them out – then I go back to sleep…..

But I would like to get better at just getting up and typing to you….because really???

When I go back to sleep…..whooooooo doggy!!!  The dreams I have….

TTFN!

I got to thinking about that last night….and the cough overtook me….

What if?

What if I never go back to my old self?

Would I be ok with that?  The people in my life seem to be dealing with it just fine – but I seem to be the one struggling with the concept?

I guess I should be as easy on me as everyone who loves me is.  But for some reason, the work slack doesn’t seem to jibe with my vocabulary -  and so I will continue to strive to be back to my old self – until I get tired of trying, maybe then I will give myself a break and cut myself some slack…

At any rate – I only have mere moments, wanted to say HEY! and I will catch up with you later ok?

Ciao Bellas!!!

I am SO not sorry to say – I have no checklist. 

And if I shared with you my path – I think some of you may be ummmmm….how shall I say it, disturbed.  I will say this – I have lived a long life in these short 36 years, and most of the roads I have traveled have NOT been paved.  Hell, they haven’t even been CUT yet. 

I can remember, when I was a clerk in one of my many jobs – and there was someone – (the job was @ a hotel and you would not BELIEVE what some people tell the hotel clerks) – who was checking in to our Executive suite…..it was glorious, and @ over $500/night – which by my standards at that time (since that was how much my rent was MONTHLY) was pretty extravagant….

So I met with guest at our complimentary cocktail hour where I was to schmooze and relax and entertain our guests, and towards the end of her stay (8 days) she told me she would trade her week with me in Phoenix – much as she had enjoyed my company as charming and lively as it was – for one night with her husband like she had spent with them prior to his climbing the corporate ladder – when they would snuggle on the couch to old movies or TV or nothing but music playing – and make love whenever or wherever they wanted to – as opposed to his success that afforded her to go wherever/whenever she wanted….as long as she wanted as long as  as she didn’t mind that she went solo (or with girlfriends or what have you)….

My thoughts at that time?

YEAH RIGHT!

I am older now (Liz – I get it…and I am sorry when I tried to put a positive spin on it (because I put that on EVERYTHING) to say you should appreciate his “gift” to you KNOWING YOU are the one who made it possible for him to climb that ladder with taking on the kids and home and every move etc etc…..I hope your happiness eventually was found in the truly amazing person that you are – but I want you to know – I still have Pat’s check for $1,000.000.00 dated 9/1/2099 – and I FULLY expect it to be a cash able check ) – and glitz and bling do not hold the fascination for me that it did when all I wanted to do was make money….then again,

I should not attribute that to age – I have felt this way for a very long time…and I thought I made the right choices that would give me the spiritual/emotional/physical fulfillment that I have held above all else…(because Mommy knows – money to be had is money to be made by me – ahhhhhhhhh thank you!)

But alas….I am wrong….

I know why people in relationships cheat….someone wasn’t being completely honest in the development stages.  Someone was not being completely forthcoming.

But when the reckoning comes….ahhhhh look out – and try not to be too surprised.

So as you peruse this dear reader – ask yourself….

Are you happy? 

Is your mate?  Have you thought of them in your decision making?  Have you been the same you were when you were not bound by paper and law? 

If the answer is no – read this.  You have been deceitful – and your penance is to figure out why and rectify the situation IMMEDIATELY.   Why?  (If any of you are reading this section – and for your own edification – you SHOULD.)  Because your mate never ONCE thought they were NOT part of ANY decisions that affect your future together…

If the answer is yes, just do a point check with your chosen mate – and make sure you BOTH have the same definition/idea of who you are and who you were as a couple.

I know why there is dissension in the ranks.  Neglect, taking people for granted, outright changing entirely who you are with no “turning signal” as mentioned in earlier posts…

People will change – that is a given.  AND that is time evidenced – although change is not inherent to human nature – it does happen with time and environment.  HOWEVER, that is NO excuse to run rampant on your OWN agenda when you are part of a couple.

There is no excuse.  There is no justification.  You have broken the same code/law you swore to uphold.  But if you are bound in law – and willing to break and risk the consequences, why should your counterpart expect different considerations?

Here is the bottom line…

Do NOT write checks, that your A$$ does NOT intend to commit to and cash.

Much love and hugs to all of you who love me.  And I will be fine and back to normal shortly – I promise to you….

TTFN  

1 a: a property of matter by which it remains at rest or in uniform motion in the same straight line unless acted upon by some external force b: an analogous property of other physical quantities (as electricity)2: indisposition to motion, exertion, or change

Loosely translated – an object in motion stays in motion and an object at rest stays at rest – unless or until it is caused to either stop or go.

Honestly dear reader – I feel like the object in motion – and the outside forces that are attempting to make me stop are becoming increasingly effective. 

So why don’t I stop already???

Cause I can’t?   No.  It feels more like I am afraid to.  I am afraid that if I stop, I will not be enough force to get moving again – without external assistance.  And that scares the hell out of me. 

Then again – when I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and swinging because in my dream I was fighting through thistles and brush getting scratched and scarred and slowed by my wounds unable and unwilling to stop the fight - determined to reach the end of the thicket…at any cost.

We set expectations on ourselves, whether we admit it out loud or not.  And generally speaking – I am aware I set pretty high ones for me.  Ethical values instilled in me by my upbringing and environment, (Catholic school dontcha know ) and by my parents.

Parents.   Funny.  Even though I only have one left – I keep referring to them as a dual entity.  On Sunday the 19th it was my birthday – and to be honest – it was probably the WORST birthday I have ever had.  I decided to celebrate my birthday this weekend because it was that bad.  But I was on the phone with one girlfriend who wished me a happy birthday and told her I was on my way to my parents house.

As an outside read – you are probably thinking – of COURSE you will – it has been that all 36 years of your life – but for me – I feel like I am failing to let go and move on.  One of my commentaries right?  Breathe in breathe out move on.

But I am not ready yet.  And I wonder if I am judging myself too harshly to say that I should be ready.  I don’t even have a source of scale for time frame when someone “should” be ready to let go and move on – but because it seems to be interferingwith my sleep ability – I think I should be ready.  To Breathe in breathe out and move on.

And this is where the expectations comes in.  Anyone else – would tell me I am crazy for beating myself up for what I am feeling periodically.  I don’t know if I do it because I view it as an uncontrollable part of me - and as far as I am concerned there is and should be no such thing?

::shrug::

I can tell you Tylenol PM & Nyquil will have a fat fall profit if it comes down to me…

Well, I only had a few moments to play catch up – and I will try to get here more diligently – but you see – for all the self flagellation – I am still unable to sit down and do what I want to do when I am doing what needs to be done.  Be it for me, my home, someone else.  Those all come first.

Talk soon!!!

HEY!  You haven’t updated your blog in a while —- you been working or something?!?

Now – sender KNEW I put in 29 hours @ my office this past weekend between Friday night for a special project so I know it was sarcasm and gentle chiding….

But that was just this weekend?

Where has the rest of the month gone?  My days have been long as I try to take in as much as I possibly can – and my evenings short as I pass out within an hour of getting home late.  But to lose 2 weeks?

Well, I know my schedule outside of work has been jam packed – with travelling and getting things done for my mom - but other than that – really…where has the time gone?

I am sure this will come out wrong – but I saw where it was written that someone was lost unexpectedly, or suddenly and unexpectedly.  Unless someone is sitting on some kind of name checklist with dates and times listed…..don’t we all die “unexpectedly”?  I know we don’t all die suddenly – honestly that would probably be preferable depending on the WAY it was “suddenly” – but in some way – don’t we all expect to die? 

Sigh – my head hurts some times.

I do have some most EXCELLENT news.  And that is where I will close this entry with.

I am doing something wonderful for me!

On Friday 10/10 – I am flying to Il, on Saturday 10/11 I am taking the Introduction to Sugar Artistry class @ the Wilton school in Darien.  Then SHOOP!  Fly back out Sunday.

Oh – and I almost forgot – it would appear that I have infected others.  Got a new recruit into it with the – “The only limitation in sugar arts is your imagination.”  She mentioned something about being scarred by a grade school teacher who failed her by 7 points – and I suggested she get over it – LOLOL!!!!  SO…she decided she is going with me!  Whooohooo!!!  Look out Il – HERE I COME!

TTFN!!!

Welcome to the phrase that has been haunting me since I heard it.  Well, haunting me isn’t exactly accurate…rolling around inside my head with force is a little more accurate.

So I went to the mission last night on my way home with my father’s clothes.  And as I went to carry the bags up the steps – odd – I lost the strength in my arms momentarily.

A man inside noticed my pause – and came out to my aid.  He took one bag and I followed with the other.  So we get inside and he opens the bag and begins exclaiming his gratitude for the clothes with proclamations of “Thank you Lord – Praise you Lord – etc etc” as he does this a couple times in just the one bag – (I still had the second bag in my hand and was not sure I was going to let it go) – another man came around the corner with “Brother – what has you so worked up?”  And he turned with the open bag – the second man – walked up to me, shook my hand and said “You’ll have to forgive us – sometimes it’s hard to rely on the kindness of strangers, and they are predicting a cold winter -at least that’s the table talk.  So we thank you and may God bless you.”  I slid the other bag to him – and he said ‘More?!’   I said - ”And there will be more – my father passed away 3 weeks ago, and my mother wishes these clothes to be used by someone who needs them.  This is the one dresser’s worth.”  I turned to leave and he said “Do you want a receipt?”  I said – “No – have a good night.”  And out the door I went…
See, I do not believe my mother wishes to gain or profit from this in any way.  I think she just wants them out – and on Saturday when I go down and with her pack up the next dresser – maybe even the closet of jackets – I will ask.  But I couldn’t last night,   I was derailed by the thought that maybe I let the other kids of our family down.  What if one of them wanted one of his handkerchiefs as a memento – and here I was (doing what my mom wanted) giving them away without checking.  And it made me uncomfortable when the blessing came to me - I am just the delivery carrier – bless my mom.

But that phrase – parse it down – the kindness of strangers.  Isn’t it sad that you don’t see it much any more?  Where people are kind or considerate of others?  And I have noticed - in general there are many people who can forgive a stranger many a slight faster than we can a friend or family member?  What is that about?

Open up your eyes people.  No one is guaranteed a length of time here.  You better figure out what is worth holding on to.  And let the rest go.  And reconnect where and when you can – or choose to hold on to whatever keeps you happy and live with the consequence of that choice.

TTFN!